I haven't blogged in such a long time. Life has been very busy and I'm sure everything will come out in the end.
However, this is a blog from long ago and I have a lot to say that might matter to someone.
I'm going to stop using this place and start a new blog so I can go over events of the last few years in one contained place. Where my thoughts spill out into life and later life I'll put them here - or link across between the two.
I want to get everything out of my system finally, the events of the last 24months. There's a lot in there. But I know my life is going forward, so really the story doesn't end or begin within that time.
Still everything that happened, happened. And getting it out into the world might mean it can help someone else, sometime.
Starting new story today, although I will have to recount some memories to get through this transition phase and forward into life again.
Friday, March 04, 2011
Monday, November 02, 2009
Wrimo Excerpt day two.
'So what are you having, my treat'
'No, I'll get these. One deluxe hot chocolate and a large soy latte please. Put your purse away Lucy.'
I smile at him and then frown my disappointment, reach over and take his arm. It'll make it difficult to carry the tray and I'll laugh at him for struggling until he finally gives in and gently, but firmly moves my arm. I might put it on his butt today, for giggles. Brandon and I have always been so close. Lunches, pints in the pub, games and movies. Sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with the ever increasing cloud of Brandon's friends. So many of them that I just can't stand. They don't know him properly, not like I do. He takes such a lot of time to get to know them though, it grates on me that they don't return the favour. Not because I want them to know him like I do, but because if they knew they might be more gentle with him. He really is so fragile.
'Lucy!'
The tray wobbles and chocolate and coffee slosh from the sides of the mugs. Running quickly down, soon abated by the heat of the mugs making the milk set solid. Two pools of complimentary liquid curtailed from their final mixing. Close, but not close enough. There's a reason why I don't have a mocha when I'm out with Brandon. It would be sacrilege to the dance we used to weave around each other. A time in our lives when it was just the two of us. Talking, knowing everything about each other.
'No, I'll get these. One deluxe hot chocolate and a large soy latte please. Put your purse away Lucy.'
I smile at him and then frown my disappointment, reach over and take his arm. It'll make it difficult to carry the tray and I'll laugh at him for struggling until he finally gives in and gently, but firmly moves my arm. I might put it on his butt today, for giggles. Brandon and I have always been so close. Lunches, pints in the pub, games and movies. Sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with the ever increasing cloud of Brandon's friends. So many of them that I just can't stand. They don't know him properly, not like I do. He takes such a lot of time to get to know them though, it grates on me that they don't return the favour. Not because I want them to know him like I do, but because if they knew they might be more gentle with him. He really is so fragile.
'Lucy!'
The tray wobbles and chocolate and coffee slosh from the sides of the mugs. Running quickly down, soon abated by the heat of the mugs making the milk set solid. Two pools of complimentary liquid curtailed from their final mixing. Close, but not close enough. There's a reason why I don't have a mocha when I'm out with Brandon. It would be sacrilege to the dance we used to weave around each other. A time in our lives when it was just the two of us. Talking, knowing everything about each other.
Sunday, November 01, 2009
Wrimo Excerpt day one.
I remember that first day, how quickly they curled up and fell asleep. How tiny they were. Alfie found something to tear to pieces within moments, tapping into his never-ending supply of energy. Michael left his shoes in with them and before long Colby was curled up in one of them. A bony, bright white ball of fluff 'hiding' in a jet black boot. Two blue eyes shutting rhythmically trying to say 'you can't see me.'
Michael and I left them to it. Collected a cup of hot strong coffee fresh from the pot, and wandered back down the stairs to the garden. That's going to be a job and a half before I'm done. It's manicured, in a fashion, and nothing like the way I would want it. Still, it's big enough for my chickens and ducks when I convince Michael to let me get them.
'I'm going to start taking up the lawn at the back there today, if the kittens settle down OK.'
'Good idea love, isn't it too late for planting now though?'
'Well yes, but it's a good idea to let the soil rest for a few months. The grass takes a lot out of it. Aisha has some manure for me from the horses, so I'll get that spread and then just leave it until the spring.'
He has that look on his face. 'Don't worry love, I'll spread it!' It's so easy to laugh with him there beside me. We walk to the spot I want to work on, and he produces string and a tape measure to help me lay it out.
'You're not going to let me just start digging then?' I try to pout and he laughs.
I can see that spot from here, if I care to look out of the window. We are in our bedroom talking. A large, plump ball of fur is curled up in the middle of the bed. Colby claimed that spot years ago. I wander over and fuss his back.
'mewe, mewe.'
'OK tiny man, I'll leave you to sleep.'
'So did we decide anything?' Michael is looking at me.
'I'm still thinking about it love, just give me some time to get there.'
Michael and I left them to it. Collected a cup of hot strong coffee fresh from the pot, and wandered back down the stairs to the garden. That's going to be a job and a half before I'm done. It's manicured, in a fashion, and nothing like the way I would want it. Still, it's big enough for my chickens and ducks when I convince Michael to let me get them.
'I'm going to start taking up the lawn at the back there today, if the kittens settle down OK.'
'Good idea love, isn't it too late for planting now though?'
'Well yes, but it's a good idea to let the soil rest for a few months. The grass takes a lot out of it. Aisha has some manure for me from the horses, so I'll get that spread and then just leave it until the spring.'
He has that look on his face. 'Don't worry love, I'll spread it!' It's so easy to laugh with him there beside me. We walk to the spot I want to work on, and he produces string and a tape measure to help me lay it out.
'You're not going to let me just start digging then?' I try to pout and he laughs.
I can see that spot from here, if I care to look out of the window. We are in our bedroom talking. A large, plump ball of fur is curled up in the middle of the bed. Colby claimed that spot years ago. I wander over and fuss his back.
'mewe, mewe.'
'OK tiny man, I'll leave you to sleep.'
'So did we decide anything?' Michael is looking at me.
'I'm still thinking about it love, just give me some time to get there.'
Thursday, October 15, 2009
because everyone was doing it.
Answer
Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? Yes
Q: Been arrested? No
Q: Do you like someone? No
Q: Held a snake? Yes
Q: Been suspended from school? No
Q: Sang karaoke? Yes
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? No
Q: Laughed until you started crying? Yes
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Q: Kissed in the rain? No
Q: Sang in the shower? Yes
Q: Sat on a roof top? No
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Q: Broken a bone? No
Q: Shaved your head? Yes
Q: Played a prank on someone? No
Q: Shot a gun? Yes
Q: Donated Blood? No
Q: Dated the same person as a friend did? Yes
Q: Slept with the same person as a friend did? Yes
Q: Kissed more than 3 people in 1 night? Yes
LAST PERSON.
1. You hung out with? Samuel
2. You texted? Adam
3. You were in a car with? Adam and Samuel
4. Went to the movies with? Michael
5. Person you went to shop with? Gran
6. You talked on the phone? Mum
7. Made you laugh? Samuel
8. You hugged? Samuel
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...
1. Sun or moon? Moon
2. Winter or Autumn? Winter
3. Left or Right? left
4. Sunny or rainy? rainy
5. Where do you live? Scotland
6. Club or pub? Club
7. Are there 1 or 2 people who you can always trust and rely on? Yes
8. Do you want to get married? No
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Cut
10. What time is it? 18:22
11. Are you afraid of commitment? Yes
12. What is your greatest hope/wish? Live long enough to enjoy it again.
13. Do you cook? Yes
14. Current mood? Merry
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Kissed someone? Yes
2. Sang? Yes
3. Listened to music? Yes
4. Danced Crazy? Yes
5. Cried? Yes
6. Liked someone you can't have? No
25 FIRSTS .....
1. Who was your first prom date? Tom, Seb, Martin, Matt and Alan
2. Who was your first roommate? Richard Loonie
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? Matteus
4. What was your first job? Kitchen staff at a nursing home
6. When did you go to your first funeral and viewing? not yet
7. Who was your first grade teacher? Don't recall
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? America
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time? not yet...
11. Who was your first best friend? Claire Willey
12. Who was your first Best Friend in high school? Matt Clark
13. Where was your first sleepover? Nina's house
14. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Mum
15. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a Bridesmaid or groomsman? Ann and John
16. What's the first thing you did when you got up this morning? had a wee.
17. What was the first concert you went to? V'96
18. What was the last concert you went to? Glastonbury
19. First tattoo or piercing? Butterfly, ears
20. First celebrity crush? Indiana Jones
21. Current celebrity crush? Buzz Lightyear
22. First crush? Paul
23. Current crush? Adam
24. First date? Paul
25. First time you tied your shoe laces? today?
Five names you go by:
1. Mimi
2. Mrs Fidge
3. Amy
4. Mrs McDonald
5. A Bllbh
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Bra
2. Panties
3. Socks
Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. water
2. a wee
3. bed
Three people who will probably fill this out:
1. Adam
2. Brad
3. my alternate ego
Two things you did last night:
1. Bath
2. Bed
Two things you ate today:
1. Meat
2. apples
Three things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. sing nursery rhymes
2. Make a leather stays
3. drink water
Two longest car rides:
1. Billericay to Lossiemouth
2. Dundee to Bangor
Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? Yes
Q: Been arrested? No
Q: Do you like someone? No
Q: Held a snake? Yes
Q: Been suspended from school? No
Q: Sang karaoke? Yes
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? No
Q: Laughed until you started crying? Yes
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Q: Kissed in the rain? No
Q: Sang in the shower? Yes
Q: Sat on a roof top? No
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Q: Broken a bone? No
Q: Shaved your head? Yes
Q: Played a prank on someone? No
Q: Shot a gun? Yes
Q: Donated Blood? No
Q: Dated the same person as a friend did? Yes
Q: Slept with the same person as a friend did? Yes
Q: Kissed more than 3 people in 1 night? Yes
LAST PERSON.
1. You hung out with? Samuel
2. You texted? Adam
3. You were in a car with? Adam and Samuel
4. Went to the movies with? Michael
5. Person you went to shop with? Gran
6. You talked on the phone? Mum
7. Made you laugh? Samuel
8. You hugged? Samuel
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...
1. Sun or moon? Moon
2. Winter or Autumn? Winter
3. Left or Right? left
4. Sunny or rainy? rainy
5. Where do you live? Scotland
6. Club or pub? Club
7. Are there 1 or 2 people who you can always trust and rely on? Yes
8. Do you want to get married? No
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Cut
10. What time is it? 18:22
11. Are you afraid of commitment? Yes
12. What is your greatest hope/wish? Live long enough to enjoy it again.
13. Do you cook? Yes
14. Current mood? Merry
IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Kissed someone? Yes
2. Sang? Yes
3. Listened to music? Yes
4. Danced Crazy? Yes
5. Cried? Yes
6. Liked someone you can't have? No
25 FIRSTS .....
1. Who was your first prom date? Tom, Seb, Martin, Matt and Alan
2. Who was your first roommate? Richard Loonie
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? Matteus
4. What was your first job? Kitchen staff at a nursing home
6. When did you go to your first funeral and viewing? not yet
7. Who was your first grade teacher? Don't recall
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? America
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time? not yet...
11. Who was your first best friend? Claire Willey
12. Who was your first Best Friend in high school? Matt Clark
13. Where was your first sleepover? Nina's house
14. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Mum
15. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a Bridesmaid or groomsman? Ann and John
16. What's the first thing you did when you got up this morning? had a wee.
17. What was the first concert you went to? V'96
18. What was the last concert you went to? Glastonbury
19. First tattoo or piercing? Butterfly, ears
20. First celebrity crush? Indiana Jones
21. Current celebrity crush? Buzz Lightyear
22. First crush? Paul
23. Current crush? Adam
24. First date? Paul
25. First time you tied your shoe laces? today?
Five names you go by:
1. Mimi
2. Mrs Fidge
3. Amy
4. Mrs McDonald
5. A Bllbh
Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Bra
2. Panties
3. Socks
Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. water
2. a wee
3. bed
Three people who will probably fill this out:
1. Adam
2. Brad
3. my alternate ego
Two things you did last night:
1. Bath
2. Bed
Two things you ate today:
1. Meat
2. apples
Three things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. sing nursery rhymes
2. Make a leather stays
3. drink water
Two longest car rides:
1. Billericay to Lossiemouth
2. Dundee to Bangor
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Highs and Lows
On balance, we are getting on a lot better. Samuel is a little angel and was so brave when he got his first set of injections. We both passed the tests with flying colours on Tuesday. Samuel is gaining weight well and is super long baby (as Adam comments, 'long baby is long!') He is strong and holding his head up well. His eyesight and concentration are developing great too. Samuel had a little grizzle from all the poking and prodding (and then the long periods of waiting with nothing to do, he gets bored so easily!) and Mummy played a game to settle him down. Oddly the care nurse was very impressed at my strategy, and the ease with which I settled him down. I'm the Mummy, that's what we do - right? Perhaps some new Mummys would struggle a bit more with something like that. Samuel is such a good boy for this Mummy though, it's not his fault the health centre is so dull for babies!
Samuel didn't have a very strong reaction to either of the jabs, and he slept well that night even though we though he might be a bit unsettled. Well done baby Samuel.
I've been getting better over the last week or so. I suspect my tablets are starting to have some effect. It gave me the energy to get out into the garden and start work tidying that up. The front is starting to come together and Adam and I have a clear idea about what we want it to look like now. It's going to be lovely and I'm looking forward to having a little man to help with it next year!
The last couple of days have been much harder again. I'm looking forward to having a weekend away with Granny and Grandad again this week. I don't know if I should be embracing my dependency on others, or rebelling against it just now. I still feel like I really need the help, but people are basically unreliable and have lots of their own stuff going on. Adam is starting to really struggle with me, even though it's very simple. I need to know I can rely on him. He's too busy at work for overt demonstrations of prescence. It's hard for me to accept. It's complicated to have to accept help when it's offered (which I am keen to do for the time being) but not expect it to be there. Like hanging to a cliff face waiting for the rope to drop, knowing you have to climb up alone and fearing you might not have the energy. I'm just glad I have a wonderful baby keeping me like glue to the rock.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
And in other news...
Samuel started smiling yesterday! It's so cute and the most wonderful thing I have ever seen. We have photos and film and he giggled and smiled all day with his Granny and Uncle Paul. It was just great.
Monday, June 29, 2009
In case I drop off the map...
On Friday I went to my councelling appointment. All I can remmber about it now was the awkward humiliation of it and my plan to J-walk my way home to increase my chances of being hit by a bus. I did send this email to Ails though
'I went to my councelling appointment, and after an hour of chatting they proclaimed me not depressed. I simply have the 'baby blues' which will clear up after about 3 months. They are getting my health visitor to assist me in bonding better with Samuel - even though I tried to explain to them that this is not currently the problem and I said to them that it is generally considered that I'm doing a good job at being Mum. I asked why I was taking the tablets and they asked if I wanted to stop. So I told them I just wanted to be better. They didn't mention the tablets again, but gave me the clever three step action plan of - talk to your Health Visitor and try and bond with Samuel, get out more and meet new people, take some alone time.
So it turns out I'm just a daft, tired new mum who feels the way all new mum's do (apparently) and I need to stop being so lazy and go out and make new friends.
I feel like shit. I'm going to Lossiemouth for the weekend. Which means I'll miss Adam even more - because it didn't occur to him to take Saturday morning off and come up with me tonight. (he'll join us tomorrow night, I hope) I don't know what to do. I've no doubt I'll feel better if I continue to take the tablets, but if I'll feel better anyway in time, what's the point. If I stop taking them and run myself into the neat little Postnatal Depression hole they want me to fit, I might get the support I want in two months time. Either way I'm not getting offered any councelling to help me work through the traumatic delivery or the misery of being pregnant. And I don't know who to yell at.'
I did go to my Mum's, which she was incredlibly pleased about. I'd stay but I have to see my Health Visitor and my GP this week. I called the Health Visitor today to apologise that she was going to be told that she was not doing her job properly. I don't know how I could have failed so badly in communicating with the 'councellor' people. HV was shocked at how my session had gone and offered me an appointment with thier Postnatal Councellor instead. She understood that I'd need to work up the courage (and energy) to attempt another meeting like that. I really should try it though, I have to get someone to help me through this.
Being at Mum's has been good. I still feel like shit though. I have news about Samuel, but I'm posting it separately, once I get the photos online. I don't want to look back on this and have yet more of the good things tainted.
'I went to my councelling appointment, and after an hour of chatting they proclaimed me not depressed. I simply have the 'baby blues' which will clear up after about 3 months. They are getting my health visitor to assist me in bonding better with Samuel - even though I tried to explain to them that this is not currently the problem and I said to them that it is generally considered that I'm doing a good job at being Mum. I asked why I was taking the tablets and they asked if I wanted to stop. So I told them I just wanted to be better. They didn't mention the tablets again, but gave me the clever three step action plan of - talk to your Health Visitor and try and bond with Samuel, get out more and meet new people, take some alone time.
So it turns out I'm just a daft, tired new mum who feels the way all new mum's do (apparently) and I need to stop being so lazy and go out and make new friends.
I feel like shit. I'm going to Lossiemouth for the weekend. Which means I'll miss Adam even more - because it didn't occur to him to take Saturday morning off and come up with me tonight. (he'll join us tomorrow night, I hope) I don't know what to do. I've no doubt I'll feel better if I continue to take the tablets, but if I'll feel better anyway in time, what's the point. If I stop taking them and run myself into the neat little Postnatal Depression hole they want me to fit, I might get the support I want in two months time. Either way I'm not getting offered any councelling to help me work through the traumatic delivery or the misery of being pregnant. And I don't know who to yell at.'
I did go to my Mum's, which she was incredlibly pleased about. I'd stay but I have to see my Health Visitor and my GP this week. I called the Health Visitor today to apologise that she was going to be told that she was not doing her job properly. I don't know how I could have failed so badly in communicating with the 'councellor' people. HV was shocked at how my session had gone and offered me an appointment with thier Postnatal Councellor instead. She understood that I'd need to work up the courage (and energy) to attempt another meeting like that. I really should try it though, I have to get someone to help me through this.
Being at Mum's has been good. I still feel like shit though. I have news about Samuel, but I'm posting it separately, once I get the photos online. I don't want to look back on this and have yet more of the good things tainted.
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