New things I wonder about

I haven't blogged in such a long time. Life has been very busy and I'm sure everything will come out in the end.

However, this is a blog from long ago and I have a lot to say that might matter to someone.

I'm going to stop using this place and start a new blog so I can go over events of the last few years in one contained place. Where my thoughts spill out into life and later life I'll put them here - or link across between the two.

I want to get everything out of my system finally, the events of the last 24months. There's a lot in there. But I know my life is going forward, so really the story doesn't end or begin within that time.

Still everything that happened, happened. And getting it out into the world might mean it can help someone else, sometime.

Starting new story today, although I will have to recount some memories to get through this transition phase and forward into life again.

Wrimo Excerpt day two.

'So what are you having, my treat'
'No, I'll get these. One deluxe hot chocolate and a large soy latte please. Put your purse away Lucy.'
I smile at him and then frown my disappointment, reach over and take his arm. It'll make it difficult to carry the tray and I'll laugh at him for struggling until he finally gives in and gently, but firmly moves my arm. I might put it on his butt today, for giggles. Brandon and I have always been so close. Lunches, pints in the pub, games and movies. Sometimes just the two of us, sometimes with the ever increasing cloud of Brandon's friends. So many of them that I just can't stand. They don't know him properly, not like I do. He takes such a lot of time to get to know them though, it grates on me that they don't return the favour. Not because I want them to know him like I do, but because if they knew they might be more gentle with him. He really is so fragile.
'Lucy!'
The tray wobbles and chocolate and coffee slosh from the sides of the mugs. Running quickly down, soon abated by the heat of the mugs making the milk set solid. Two pools of complimentary liquid curtailed from their final mixing. Close, but not close enough. There's a reason why I don't have a mocha when I'm out with Brandon. It would be sacrilege to the dance we used to weave around each other. A time in our lives when it was just the two of us. Talking, knowing everything about each other.

Wrimo Excerpt day one.

I remember that first day, how quickly they curled up and fell asleep. How tiny they were. Alfie found something to tear to pieces within moments, tapping into his never-ending supply of energy. Michael left his shoes in with them and before long Colby was curled up in one of them. A bony, bright white ball of fluff 'hiding' in a jet black boot. Two blue eyes shutting rhythmically trying to say 'you can't see me.'

Michael and I left them to it. Collected a cup of hot strong coffee fresh from the pot, and wandered back down the stairs to the garden. That's going to be a job and a half before I'm done. It's manicured, in a fashion, and nothing like the way I would want it. Still, it's big enough for my chickens and ducks when I convince Michael to let me get them.
'I'm going to start taking up the lawn at the back there today, if the kittens settle down OK.'
'Good idea love, isn't it too late for planting now though?'
'Well yes, but it's a good idea to let the soil rest for a few months. The grass takes a lot out of it. Aisha has some manure for me from the horses, so I'll get that spread and then just leave it until the spring.'
He has that look on his face. 'Don't worry love, I'll spread it!' It's so easy to laugh with him there beside me. We walk to the spot I want to work on, and he produces string and a tape measure to help me lay it out.
'You're not going to let me just start digging then?' I try to pout and he laughs.

I can see that spot from here, if I care to look out of the window. We are in our bedroom talking. A large, plump ball of fur is curled up in the middle of the bed. Colby claimed that spot years ago. I wander over and fuss his back.
'mewe, mewe.'
'OK tiny man, I'll leave you to sleep.'
'So did we decide anything?' Michael is looking at me.
'I'm still thinking about it love, just give me some time to get there.'

because everyone was doing it.

Answer
Q: Kissed someone on your friends list? Yes
Q: Been arrested? No
Q: Do you like someone? No
Q: Held a snake? Yes
Q: Been suspended from school? No
Q: Sang karaoke? Yes
Q: Done something you told yourself you wouldn't do? No
Q: Laughed until you started crying? Yes
Q: Caught a snowflake on your tongue? Yes
Q: Kissed in the rain? No
Q: Sang in the shower? Yes
Q: Sat on a roof top? No
Q: Been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on? No
Q: Broken a bone? No
Q: Shaved your head? Yes
Q: Played a prank on someone? No
Q: Shot a gun? Yes
Q: Donated Blood? No
Q: Dated the same person as a friend did? Yes
Q: Slept with the same person as a friend did? Yes
Q: Kissed more than 3 people in 1 night? Yes

LAST PERSON.
1. You hung out with? Samuel
2. You texted? Adam
3. You were in a car with? Adam and Samuel
4. Went to the movies with? Michael
5. Person you went to shop with? Gran
6. You talked on the phone? Mum
7. Made you laugh? Samuel
8. You hugged? Samuel

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY...
1. Sun or moon? Moon
2. Winter or Autumn? Winter
3. Left or Right? left
4. Sunny or rainy? rainy
5. Where do you live? Scotland
6. Club or pub? Club
7. Are there 1 or 2 people who you can always trust and rely on? Yes
8. Do you want to get married? No
9. Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? Cut
10. What time is it? 18:22
11. Are you afraid of commitment? Yes
12. What is your greatest hope/wish? Live long enough to enjoy it again.
13. Do you cook? Yes
14. Current mood? Merry

IN THE LAST 48 HOURS HAVE YOU...
1. Kissed someone? Yes
2. Sang? Yes
3. Listened to music? Yes
4. Danced Crazy? Yes
5. Cried? Yes
6. Liked someone you can't have? No

25 FIRSTS .....
1. Who was your first prom date? Tom, Seb, Martin, Matt and Alan
2. Who was your first roommate? Richard Loonie
3. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time? Matteus
4. What was your first job? Kitchen staff at a nursing home
6. When did you go to your first funeral and viewing? not yet
7. Who was your first grade teacher? Don't recall
9. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane? America
10. When did you sneak out of your house for the first time? not yet...
11. Who was your first best friend? Claire Willey
12. Who was your first Best Friend in high school? Matt Clark
13. Where was your first sleepover? Nina's house
14. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day? Mum
15. Who's wedding were you in the first time you were a Bridesmaid or groomsman? Ann and John
16. What's the first thing you did when you got up this morning? had a wee.
17. What was the first concert you went to? V'96
18. What was the last concert you went to? Glastonbury
19. First tattoo or piercing? Butterfly, ears
20. First celebrity crush? Indiana Jones
21. Current celebrity crush? Buzz Lightyear
22. First crush? Paul
23. Current crush? Adam
24. First date? Paul
25. First time you tied your shoe laces? today?

Five names you go by:
1. Mimi
2. Mrs Fidge
3. Amy
4. Mrs McDonald
5. A Bllbh

Three things you are wearing right now:
1. Bra
2. Panties
3. Socks

Three things you want very badly at the moment:
1. water
2. a wee
3. bed

Three people who will probably fill this out:
1. Adam
2. Brad
3. my alternate ego

Two things you did last night:
1. Bath
2. Bed

Two things you ate today:
1. Meat
2. apples

Three things you are going to do tomorrow:
1. sing nursery rhymes
2. Make a leather stays
3. drink water

Two longest car rides:
1. Billericay to Lossiemouth
2. Dundee to Bangor

Highs and Lows

On balance, we are getting on a lot better. Samuel is a little angel and was so brave when he got his first set of injections. We both passed the tests with flying colours on Tuesday. Samuel is gaining weight well and is super long baby (as Adam comments, 'long baby is long!') He is strong and holding his head up well. His eyesight and concentration are developing great too. Samuel had a little grizzle from all the poking and prodding (and then the long periods of waiting with nothing to do, he gets bored so easily!) and Mummy played a game to settle him down. Oddly the care nurse was very impressed at my strategy, and the ease with which I settled him down. I'm the Mummy, that's what we do - right? Perhaps some new Mummys would struggle a bit more with something like that. Samuel is such a good boy for this Mummy though, it's not his fault the health centre is so dull for babies!

Samuel didn't have a very strong reaction to either of the jabs, and he slept well that night even though we though he might be a bit unsettled. Well done baby Samuel.

I've been getting better over the last week or so. I suspect my tablets are starting to have some effect. It gave me the energy to get out into the garden and start work tidying that up. The front is starting to come together and Adam and I have a clear idea about what we want it to look like now. It's going to be lovely and I'm looking forward to having a little man to help with it next year!

The last couple of days have been much harder again. I'm looking forward to having a weekend away with Granny and Grandad again this week. I don't know if I should be embracing my dependency on others, or rebelling against it just now. I still feel like I really need the help, but people are basically unreliable and have lots of their own stuff going on. Adam is starting to really struggle with me, even though it's very simple. I need to know I can rely on him. He's too busy at work for overt demonstrations of prescence. It's hard for me to accept. It's complicated to have to accept help when it's offered (which I am keen to do for the time being) but not expect it to be there. Like hanging to a cliff face waiting for the rope to drop, knowing you have to climb up alone and fearing you might not have the energy. I'm just glad I have a wonderful baby keeping me like glue to the rock.

And in other news...

Samuel started smiling yesterday! It's so cute and the most wonderful thing I have ever seen. We have photos and film and he giggled and smiled all day with his Granny and Uncle Paul. It was just great.

In case I drop off the map...

On Friday I went to my councelling appointment. All I can remmber about it now was the awkward humiliation of it and my plan to J-walk my way home to increase my chances of being hit by a bus. I did send this email to Ails though

'I went to my councelling appointment, and after an hour of chatting they proclaimed me not depressed. I simply have the 'baby blues' which will clear up after about 3 months. They are getting my health visitor to assist me in bonding better with Samuel - even though I tried to explain to them that this is not currently the problem and I said to them that it is generally considered that I'm doing a good job at being Mum. I asked why I was taking the tablets and they asked if I wanted to stop. So I told them I just wanted to be better. They didn't mention the tablets again, but gave me the clever three step action plan of - talk to your Health Visitor and try and bond with Samuel, get out more and meet new people, take some alone time.

So it turns out I'm just a daft, tired new mum who feels the way all new mum's do (apparently) and I need to stop being so lazy and go out and make new friends.

I feel like shit. I'm going to Lossiemouth for the weekend. Which means I'll miss Adam even more - because it didn't occur to him to take Saturday morning off and come up with me tonight. (he'll join us tomorrow night, I hope) I don't know what to do. I've no doubt I'll feel better if I continue to take the tablets, but if I'll feel better anyway in time, what's the point. If I stop taking them and run myself into the neat little Postnatal Depression hole they want me to fit, I might get the support I want in two months time. Either way I'm not getting offered any councelling to help me work through the traumatic delivery or the misery of being pregnant. And I don't know who to yell at.'

I did go to my Mum's, which she was incredlibly pleased about. I'd stay but I have to see my Health Visitor and my GP this week. I called the Health Visitor today to apologise that she was going to be told that she was not doing her job properly. I don't know how I could have failed so badly in communicating with the 'councellor' people. HV was shocked at how my session had gone and offered me an appointment with thier Postnatal Councellor instead. She understood that I'd need to work up the courage (and energy) to attempt another meeting like that. I really should try it though, I have to get someone to help me through this.

Being at Mum's has been good. I still feel like shit though. I have news about Samuel, but I'm posting it separately, once I get the photos online. I don't want to look back on this and have yet more of the good things tainted.

Getting bigger...

Samuel is getting bigger by the minute! He has outgrown a lot of his baby-grows and is now into 0-3month sizes. I don't know where he gets it from, Adam and I are so tiny. Still, it's good to see.

I'm getting the help I need, so we just have to persevere with it now. My estimation of full health has been revised to Christmas to give a chance for the councelling (when it comes) to work properly. It's taken some of the pressure off to be better 'now' and with Adam helping about the house I feel like I can start to breathe again.

P.S. While writing the mail arrived with a letter asking me to call and arrange an appointment. The earliest they can give me is July 14th. It's going to be a long few weeks.

It's worse, apparently, if the number is bigger.

My Health Visitor came to see us today. I had to ask where my councelling appointment is since it's getting harder to wait. Wednesday morning brought a bit of a meltdown and I'm really not coping very well. I had to complete a postnatal mental health questionaire.* I got a score of 25/30. This is not good. Apparently it's enough not good that our Health Visitor contacted our GP and I have to go for an appointment. This is because it requires a GP to prescribe medication. I have it on very good authority that this is the right thing to do and will get me better. I am prepared to listen to that authority.

Sadly, I have a lot of aquaintances on happy pills. It is somewhat fashionable in Dundee. I really don't want any of them thinking they know what I'm going through because we have tablets in common. Mostly because I'm not going through anything other than an overabundance of post pregnancy hormones upsetting the balance in my brain. I need help and probably tablets for a few months to get over it.

I am very miserable, very tired and very frustrated. I just want to get better.

*it's the same questions on all mental health questionaires. You might have done one. It ends with 'have you considered harming yourself (in the last week)' with the options, all, most, some of the time and never. Fun to have to underline one of those when you feel miserable.

Lovely weekend

We had a lovely weekend just past. Samuel had a lovely day with his Grandad on Friday, we went out for cake and I tried to open a baby bank account. It turns out I forgot some of the paperwork so we will have to try again this week. Oops.

We went into Dundee on Saturday and met Hobbit, Helen and Kev. It was a busy day but good fun seeing everyone. I got very tired and was glad when I got home. Grey and I tried to relax in the evening but Samuel was a little grumpy so much time was spent with him.

Samuel was one month old on Sunday. [que fanfare] Uncle Hobbit came over for a celebrateory BBQ and games afternoon. I got more tired, but it was a lovely day.

Monday has hit me harder than normal this week. I'm hoping my appointment comes in quickly since this can't really go on safely much longer. Popping out to the Farm when Samuel's breakfast goes down - so I'll have some company and the chance of a rest for some of the day.

Three weeks already!

Samuel was three weeks old yesterday. I still feel guilty when I do things that aren't for him, but I have to get over that eventually. He is sleeping just now but I still get the impression that I'm doing the wrong thing taking some time on the 'puter to myself. Oh well.

He is developing really well, focussing on things and moving his head about. We are trying to get him to follow toys with his head now, rather than just his eyes. This will help develop his neck muscles and hopefully he'll be able to hold his head up soon. He occaisionally picks it up for a moment, when he's being wriggly baby, but it is part of moving his whole body so I don't think it counts.

I'm doing ok. Healing up fine and I think my iron levels are working their way back to normal. I'm much less exhausted. Most mornings I'm struck by weepies though and I decided to talk about this with my GP. We had a good chat about it and I'm going to get an appointment to speak to someone about everything I have been through the last few months. I wasn't that happy as a pregnant lady (as most of you will know) and Samuel's birth was the most exhausting and traumatic thing I have ever been through. Being Samuel's mother is wonderful, but I need some space to process everything properly and make sure that the traumatic bit and the wonderful bit don't get mixed up in the chaos.

Thankfully, Aileen had noticed my looming depression just as I did. Which means I've done the right thing and I have someone to make sure I do the right things to get past this. All this does mean I'm tired and giving my energy exclusively to Samuel. He is developing well, which means I haven't infected him with my sadness and I want to keep it that way.

We'll be back on our feet again soon, I'm taking all the time I need.

When life just piles it on.

So, I'm sort of getting the hang of this. Feeding, playing, napping and sleeping myself when Samuel does. Feeding is the hardest thing. Samuel was getting fussy and only eating every couple of hours, which is totally exhausting. We have changed teats and seem to be getting on a lot better. So now I'm just waiting for the next growth spurt when everything will change again. Still, it's great for just now. All in all Samuel is a lovely baby. Now he's not hungry the entire time, he has little awake moments waving his arms around 'bringing in the planes' as Granny Jo calls it; proper sleeps; his poo is getting less hard - although we still try and get some boiled water into him every so often; and Mummy can sort of predict his behaviour a little bit (based on gurgles and movements more than timescales, but it's good)

Annoyingly for me, however, I have taken badly to my iron tablets and after only two doses I have the voms and runs. This is especially annoying since watery runs don't wait for a 11 day old baby to be done winding. At least once, Samuel has been dropped back in his moses basket, hurredly wrapped up safe and warm while Mummy dashes uncerimoniously to the loo. GP was lovely about everything, changed my tablets and advised me rest(!) and lots of water. Things seem a little improved today, managed toast without insta-cramping (Although light cramping did set in about half an hour later. It's gone now.)

So I'm off for a shower while Samuel has his morning nap. I should get my head down too since Grandad and Uncle James will be here this afternoon, so a later nap will be out of the question. Daddy Grey will be home both days this weekend, which I am really looking forward to and we might even spend some time just having a cuddle, which I think I have really missed this last week with being so tired. Yep, a cuddle from Grey is probably all the cure I need.

Haz Baby.

Baby Samuel was born on Sunday 17th May at 9.45am, weighed 7lb 14oz and was Apgar 9. Kicking, screaming, looking around and a lovely pink colour!

We had an eventful delivery in the end, after I started latent labour on Friday night (the 15th May - the day I thought was my due date incidentally all those months ago, before the midwives revised it to the 13th) This is a cruel punnishment, with irregular contractions and very little progress. I found it too painful to sleep through and so ended up having a sleepless night in the bath trying to cope. After a swift trip to AMU on Saturday morning for some codine, I managed a restless few hours sleep until about 11am. This was to be the last 4hour sleep I had for several days. I didn't know until later how very grateful I would be for it.

My labour finally established around 6pm on Saturday and I headed to AMU for some water therapy to control the pain. Also some 'gas and air' which was too strange for me at first, but was a total necissity by the end. It was another couple of hours before I was in medical Established Labour, which was combined with some false urges to push. These are not fun, and very tiring. In the end I had to get out of the pool for an examination, some pethadine and the hope of some respite so I could regain some energy. Two mini catheters, a mini enema and a lot of lucozade and I'm basically empty of everything except the baby. Which is when the back pain kicks in. Pethadine is a great drug and dulled my contractions to managable, until this happened. It required pethadine, gas and air and two people massaging various bits of me to get through each contraction. Then there was a mad rush to relax and try and regain some energy for the next one. At this point I've not slept properly (except for my drug induced rest this morning) since Wednesday night - involving another story about suspected pre-eclampsia which will wait for another time.

The urges to push start up so after a quick exam we find out that these are, again, false and I should try not to push. This turns out to be even more exhausting than pushing fruitlessly.

Then a glimmer of hope, I'm fully dilated! So off we go with a quick tutorial on the most efficient way to push and the next contraction should start the show... Only it doesn't, nor the next, the next.... I'm getting nowhere fast and I just want to go home. After a second opinion, (Now there's me, Adam, Midwife 1 and 2 in the room) it turns out there is a part of my cervix yet to relax fully, so I should breathe through the contractions again. Arrrggggghhhh. Only I'm too tired to arrgggghhh, so I nod weakly and give it my best shot. It's about 5am.

At some point the midwives decide I might be better on a higher bed so they can help me more. So I down some more lucozade and wander through to the other room. We have no success there either. Around 7am a decision is made to break the stalemate. I'll have to go to Ninewells. A phone call is made. I should try not to push to conserve my energy (!) The worry is this, I'm ready to push but am getting dehydrated and running out of energy fast. I don't want to be stuck in Arbroath with a baby half out because I pass out. Blue lights all the way to Ninewells.

By the way, my pethadine has worn off. I'm too close to delivery to have more so I'm down to gas and air. Contractions every 4mins or so and about 15 roundabouts. I'll let you imagine it. My feeling at this point was a hope for blissful unconciousness.

At Ninewells, we are deposited in a huge room and Midwife 3 from AMU who was dispatched to accompany me to the hospital waits to hand me over to the team at the labour suite. Then suddenly there are about 12 doctors, two midwives from Ninewells, Adam, me and Button and the room seems less huge. I need fluids, so there are several attempts to get a canula into me (I have terrible veins, so I apologise to the doctor that was left with this task, and consider my bruises to be proud war wounds!) Upon examination, there is a plan that I should try and push again for half an hour before they intervene. I am taught a new way to push. I think I get a little way. Perhaps as far as getting the top of Baby's head actually into my cervix. So they attach a little heart monitor to the top of Button's head.

It's about 8am when things change. Button is getting distressed. Well Mummy has made a bit of a pigs ear of things so far, he's been a very patient boy and I'd be getting frustrated if I was pulling my weight but the other half of the team was letting the side down! HFFD (a type of forceps delivery) is decided on. Local anesthetic and surgery greens now adorn my lower half and the bottom of the bed dissapears. Forceps delivery is painful in a hot, stretching way. It doesn't feel very natural and one still has to push just as hard. But it is a blessedly short process - once everything was in place, I was only three or four pushes away from meeting little Button.

Grey cut the cord and the little man was dumped on my chest. My first though upon seeing these beautiful blue eyes wide open and innocent in a face that looks just like his father. Totally worth it.

Stiching me up took some time. Every pin prick caused a new bleed and I was swelling up fast. Adam fed Samuel (we named him instantly) while the doctor was putting me back together. After some tea and toast (very Brittish) we moved to observation for a few hours and then up to the recovery ward for involved deliveries. Samuel met his Granny JoJo, Grandpa Malcom and Grandmother Norma. Mummy failed to sleep despite having been desperate to for almost 20 hours.

Then on Monday, I got sick. While my BP had come back towards normal, I was tachycardic - my resting pulse was a massive 133bpm. It turns out that the 500mls of blood I lost during labour plus a depletion in my iron reserves had left me with a blood count of 7.8 (I believe around 13 is more normal) They don't do blood transfusions any more, there is a wonderful new IV drug called Venflon that basically tells your body to use all the iron it gets to make red blood cells. Two doses are required 24hours apart. The first of which is administered in Observation. It's around 2am by the time I get back to the ward and to bed.

All this means that I'm not getting home until Wednesday at the earliest. Which turns out to be for the best, since Samuel develops jaundice and needs a blood test. It comes back within normal limits, so we treat him with lots of sunlight and plenty of cuddles.

Samuel is 8 days old today. His jaundice cleared up really quickly, but he is a little constipated. It's warm here just now so we are giving him a little extra water to help clear that up. He's a wonderful little baby who cries just enough of the time that I have plenty of excuses to pick him up for cuddles. We are trying to extend the gaps between his feeds from 2.5 hours up to nearer 3.5 just now. This is difficult to say the least.

I am still very anemic. I've only stumbled on the stairs once - there was no real harm done except I burned my face with hot tea. I'm exhausted and everything is taking longer to heal because my reserves are so low. Dad and Adam got me to Morrisions on Saturday and then I spent all of Sunday sleeping (well, sleeping until Daddy needed a hand with Samuel) which was rest I really needed.

I'm feeling much better today, but I have to remember to sleep when Samuel is settled during the day. I still have a lot of recovery to do. Yesterday my heart rate was 87bpm resting, which is better so recovery won't be far off.

You'll forgive me for wanting to hold off the celebrations and showing off for a few weeks. After all we've been through it's a celebration enough for me to be at home with my beautiful baby boy.

shotgunning pineapple juice

Due in two days. Bizarrely getting nervous now.

Grey said I had ants in my pants all day yesterday. I just couldn't settle to anything. We did get the spuds banked up, pumpkins potted on, washing done and went to the shops for messages. Finally got to bed a bit after 10pm. It took me a while to settle, but after I did I managed a really good nights sleep.

Maybe this is a sign of things starting to move. Maybe I'm just a bit nervous. Either way I'm drinking lots of pineapple juice to see if it makes any difference.

Flicking back through my Blog.

Not long after I moved I was The Empress.

Now I am:

You are Strength

Courage, strength, fortitude. Power not arrested in the act of judgement, but passing on to further action, sometimes obstinacy.

This is a card of courage and energy. It represents both the Lion's hot, roaring energy, and the Maiden's steadfast will. The innocent Maiden is unafraid, undaunted, and indomitable. In some cards she opens the lion's mouth, in others she shuts it. Either way, she proves that inner strength is more powerful than raw physical strength. That forces can be controlled and used to score a victory is very close to the message of the Chariot, which might be why, in some decks, it is Justice that is card 8 instead of Strength. With strength you can control not only the situation, but yourself. It is a card about anger and impulse management, about creative answers, leadership and maintaining one's personal honor. It can also stand for a steadfast friend.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Joining a new club

I met with a local Mum on Monday. We chatted for hours and I had a great time. After feeling so lonely for the last few months and not really knowing what the future will be like, with all my baby-free friends, it was more relaxing than I could have hoped for.

The pie was made sweeter after I had a wonderful chat with Ails, which served to remind me that I still have all that from the past to carry forward with me.

So I'm joining a new club, I'll be a Mum. I won't be alone, there are Mums all over the place. Even better, I don't have to quit my old club to get there. I get to add it to my portfolio of all the stuff I have going for me. :)

Almost nothing on the To-Do list!

Dad came down at the weekend with our Cot, blanket box and some more clothing and blankets for the Bump. While he was here, Grey fitted the loft hatch, checked to see if our spare heater would work somewhere else (it won't,) fixed the door to Button's room so that it closes, and made gate legs for my fold away gate-leg kitchen table. It was fabulous!

Now I'm down to a couple of phone call based jobs and hanging some pictures. I'd have a go at putting the pictures up but I'm just a little bit too front heavy for popping up a ladder. That aside I'm not really allowed access to hammers - last time I dropped it on my toe and bled for 2 hours. Oops.

I'm popping out for coffee this morning, and then maybe again on Wednesday. Thursday is the usual game (which I'm hoping to make, because it might be the last one for a few weeks...)

Button seems keen to arrive, but just hasn't quite worked it out yet. Perhaps a day out near some playing children will give the inspiration required for that last step. We'll see.

Still Pregnant

I'm not going to moan about this too much, since having Button arrive on time is infinately better than the torment of having ones bump arrive too early. However, I'm feeling nausiated (I think that's right) all the time, my indigestion is back (even though Button has moved down, which should give me more space - ha ha!) I basically sleep in 2 hour chuncks now and I'm feeling just a little bit fed up.

This is all normal apparently, but doens't make it likable. Hrumph.

I read an OK book the other day. Jumper which was mostly about a young lad coming to terms with abuse in a normal, reactive way. It was refreshing and well written. Even if he did have a super power :). If you have a spare few hours, I reccomend it.

We also were introduced to Dominion the card/board game. It is really, really good fun and one of the most interesting board games I have come across in recent times. The mechanics are anally simple, but every game is unique and a challenge to play. The game itself, however, is totally indescribable in a way that expresses this properly. It's by Rio Grande and costs around £30 / $50 which is a lot for a game. Basically if there is a gaming shop near you, see if you can get in on a game. It'll be worth it just to see how badly you are going to want to own a copy.

That's about it really. Now I'm starving so off for some breakkie.

fizzled out rant.

I wanted to Blog this morning and have a huge rant about nosey 'holier-than-thou' idiots, but have since realised that there are more important things in life. So now the rant has become a musing. The moral if which is 'just say sorry, and move on.'

Basically, don't bother telling me things you know third hand. Certainly don't impart your judgements to me about things you have only heard second hand - and expect me to care. If you want to gossip, leave me out.

I clearly can't live up to your standards, you perfect people. When you are willing once again to talk to we fallable indiviuals, let me know. And remember that *I* would hate to be discussed in public, wouldn't you?

That said, I'm fat and pregnant. Not in the mood to talk to crazy medicated people with no sense of life or perspective. So in general if you think you qualify under that description expect me to tell you to bugger off.

Oh, in good stuff. I got beautiful new carpet for my baby's room, Grandma Norma (to be) is dropping off the moses basket this morning. I'm collecting some baby things from Nana Jo (to be) at the end of this week and I'm finally ready to get the sproglet squeezed out and on with being a family. Hopefully Button will sense this and not dawdle. Everything (except legs) crossed.

Hmm, it looks like Summer.

It has been a glorious weekend here which is great for the Easter holidays, and good for us too. We got lots done in the garden and plenty of odd jobs finished off inside the house too.

I have a List of things that I need to do - partly so that Grey can refer to it and do some of them, but mostly so I don't keep forgetting things. It's also nice to cross things off a list, it makes everything seem more manageable. My List has been a bit of a nightmare the last few weeks - it has spent a great deal of time growing and not much time shrinking. Adding to a list is less good for the soul than crossing stuff off one. However, the list was down to a scant few items after a weekend with Grey and my Dad working on it. It was lovely. I even let them cross out some of the things they had done, as a reward.

Sadly this morning I'm a bit tired and my hormones are catching up with me again, so the list grew substantially. I'll feel bad for Grey when he comes home and sees it.

I'm getting very big and a bit uncomfortable now. The heat in the sun makes me feel a little like a beached whale - which leads me to be very glad the Baby is due in a few weeks and I'm not going to be like this all summer.

Monday is housework day, I'll let breakfast go down and then start to tidy up, dust, sweep, mop and hover my way to the end of the day. Then I'll worry about the List again.