It's been a bad week again. I lost the plot a bit on Monday night and fell into floods of tears. Adam went into 'fix-it' mode, so I tried to explain things to him for a bit and then sent him to bed. I didn't sleep very well.
On Tuesday, after deciding that something has to give and praying that it won't end up being me, I looked around Dundee for 'help wanted' signs. There are loads. And many of them look like good fun. Particularly an alterations assistant job at SM. More on that.
So things were looking a little better. Only then the busses were mondo shit and I thought I might get stuck in Dundee. I got home eventually to find some hungry boogolas (Adam hadn't been home at lunch time.) Adam was late home for reasons and I honestly don't remember anything else about that night.
I lost a lot of Wednesday in a contunuation of the same black hole. I do remember getting my CV mostly in order, throwing some dinner together for Adam and running out to Dundee to head to the field with Aileen. That did clear my head a bit, which was needed. We had a chat about the nature of being us and I headed home for about 10pm. I did sleep OK that night.
On Thursday I had a trial day with SM for the alterations postion. They are desperate and the work is pretty simple. Taking the job would mean some money coming in. However, I had my head so far removed from my body that I miss-timed the bus by an hour and was 10mins late for my start time. Manager man didn't mind though. I was there until 4pm (2 hours longer than I was expecting) and he offered me the job. A few days a week with extra in the run up to Crimble.
They *have to have* references though, so I am trying to track down my old boss and my old tutor from Uni.
Today I have mostly been recovering and trying to work out where my week went. I should be pleased about the job, but I'm struggling. After the bus episode I don't know if I am really up to working. The day out of the house was a good distraction however, although I am nervous about comitting to it every week.
Basically I am still depressed. Let's try this the 12 step way. I'm depressed, and have been since Eric died. Little things are mountains to me and I am variously not sleeping, then sleeping all day. I walk into rooms and forget why - and then find myself still standing there 20mins later. I can't settle to anything, but I find myself constantly moving from one job to the next. I have lost nearly 2 1/2 stone in 5months and it's not slowing up. I can't cry, but if I get started I can't stop. I'm depressed, almost clincally.
I need help. It's been a few years since I got this low and I haven't been taking good enough care of myself, so now I can't get out. In the past I have caught myself and taken action early, by keeping an eye on my mood and myself I can prempt the sadness and make the changes. Only this time I'm here because of something I can't change and I don't know what to do with that.
Ails knows all this, and I think Adam does too after my outburst on Monday. But Ails is swamped with life just now and Adam just doesn't know what to do.
I almost cried today because I read that some idiots with bad english don't know who Mr Burton is. That's sad. The world is so twisted that the good people get forgotten.
I'm not learning, and I'm not growing. I'm so low that I'm not grieving. And I find myself sitting here waiting for a life-line.
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2 comments:
I think the fact that you're making a change - especially one that gets you out and meeting new people - should help. I know that being isolated hasn't helped me particularly. Finally finding roleplaying groups to hang out with instead of sitting in my flat all week has made me feel a lot better. Not that I'm claiming you've become a hermit, or anything. But more is still better :)
I presume more cash incoming won't hurt either. Money won't buy you happiness, but the lack of sucks pretty bad.
I know what it's like to lose a pet - despite what people say, they are very much a part of the family, and it hurts. Unfortunately, I don't think there's much that can help, apart from time, and loving the rest of the people around you as best you can.
I'm thinking of you and I hope it gets better soon.
A good cry might help, but fundamentally making some changes is what it boils down to. A job may seem insurmountable, but may actually work out to be the thing that you need to do. I'll call tomorrow love. xxx
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