In case I drop off the map...

On Friday I went to my councelling appointment. All I can remmber about it now was the awkward humiliation of it and my plan to J-walk my way home to increase my chances of being hit by a bus. I did send this email to Ails though

'I went to my councelling appointment, and after an hour of chatting they proclaimed me not depressed. I simply have the 'baby blues' which will clear up after about 3 months. They are getting my health visitor to assist me in bonding better with Samuel - even though I tried to explain to them that this is not currently the problem and I said to them that it is generally considered that I'm doing a good job at being Mum. I asked why I was taking the tablets and they asked if I wanted to stop. So I told them I just wanted to be better. They didn't mention the tablets again, but gave me the clever three step action plan of - talk to your Health Visitor and try and bond with Samuel, get out more and meet new people, take some alone time.

So it turns out I'm just a daft, tired new mum who feels the way all new mum's do (apparently) and I need to stop being so lazy and go out and make new friends.

I feel like shit. I'm going to Lossiemouth for the weekend. Which means I'll miss Adam even more - because it didn't occur to him to take Saturday morning off and come up with me tonight. (he'll join us tomorrow night, I hope) I don't know what to do. I've no doubt I'll feel better if I continue to take the tablets, but if I'll feel better anyway in time, what's the point. If I stop taking them and run myself into the neat little Postnatal Depression hole they want me to fit, I might get the support I want in two months time. Either way I'm not getting offered any councelling to help me work through the traumatic delivery or the misery of being pregnant. And I don't know who to yell at.'

I did go to my Mum's, which she was incredlibly pleased about. I'd stay but I have to see my Health Visitor and my GP this week. I called the Health Visitor today to apologise that she was going to be told that she was not doing her job properly. I don't know how I could have failed so badly in communicating with the 'councellor' people. HV was shocked at how my session had gone and offered me an appointment with thier Postnatal Councellor instead. She understood that I'd need to work up the courage (and energy) to attempt another meeting like that. I really should try it though, I have to get someone to help me through this.

Being at Mum's has been good. I still feel like shit though. I have news about Samuel, but I'm posting it separately, once I get the photos online. I don't want to look back on this and have yet more of the good things tainted.